The Ingeniously Handy Dr. Felder
Our hospital is facing numerous violations from various state and federal agencies for improper practices stemming from a two week long "creative surgery" binge perpetrated by our own Dr. Felder. What follows are internal memorandum and are STRICTLY confidential.
The first case involves Ms. Sharon Shapely, a tennis instructor at the Lazy-S Naturist Retreat in Boca. She was brought in for emergency surgery after a golf cart struck her while she was bending over to pick up some stray tennis balls. Dr. Felder proceeded to patch her up and provide a fix for what he perceived to be a simple problem of poor ergonomic design. He removed approximately 3 feet of her intestines, and folded her abdominal muscles around the remaining portion; creating a sort of mouth into which, it was later discovered, three regulation size tennis balls could be perfectly inserted. Her bowels were otherwise normal, no doubt aided by her own admitted tendencies of being a "root nut", a "veggie fiend", and that she only ate steak once a month.
Ms. Shapely states:
"The boys down at Shula's know when Aunt Flow comes a' visiting and they always save me the choicest cut of tenderloin!"
Since the operation, Ms. Shapely has devised a rather ingenious method of swiveling her hips in a sort of half-hula movement and popping the tennis balls out one at a time. She says it's helped her game immensely.
Case status: Malpractice claim settled for an undisclosed amount.
Case Note: Hospital is currently in litigation with Ms. Shapely over patent rights of said operation. Apparently, the USTA has formed an exploratory committee to investigate the feasibility of adopting the surgical procedure for possible use in future tournaments.
The second case involves Mr. Craig Turdley, a VP of mergers and acquisitions at Bing and Perch, a mid-size investment firm in Downtown Miami.
Mr. Turdley was brought in with lacerations over his buttocks and back area caused by a fall from a second-story window. According to Mrs. Turdley (who prefers the hyphenate Turdley-Bidette), Mr. Turdley suffers from acute panic attacks that strike in the middle of the night. In these episodes, he is convinced that 'lunch meats' are attempting to devour him. Mrs. Turdley-Bidette states that she is a light sleeper, and that she is usually able to wake him before any significant damage is done. Unfortunately for Mr. Turdley, Mrs. Turdley-Bidette had begun a new stepping class that week, and as a result of ingesting two Excedrin PMs to help with soreness, she had slept cleanly through the whole incident.
Mrs. Turdley-Bidette states:
"I told him not to have the sausage! It's always bad when he has the sausage! I woke up and just saw him down there flailing around in the hedges like a big 'ol flounder! I thought he broke his ever-loving neck! From where I stood, it looked impacted or something!"
Mr. Turdley was brought in and evaluated. His neck was not 'impacted' as Mrs. Turdley-Bidette had feared, however his colon was. He was moved to the surgery unit, and Dr. Felder operated. Two hours later, the patient was resting comfortably in his room. On the front cover of his hospital chart, someone had scrawled in what appeared to be red grease pencil, "bandages not to be removed by STRICT order of the Physician in Charge". All of our cases seem to have similarly cryptic post-op instructions apparently put there by Dr. Felder himself. We now believe that is how he was able to conceal his 'alterations' for as long as he did.
Ultimately, it was discovered that in addition to diverting his colon and attending to Mr. Turdley's various lacerations, Dr. Felder had installed a small 'switch' at base of the patient's skull, directly behind his left ear. When the hospital staff (under my direction) flipped the switch, Mr. Turdley immediately fell into what appeared to be a profound sleep. Further tests proved that the switch triggered on and off all but the most essential life-support functions. When asked about the 'implant' in a phone conversation from an undisclosed location, Dr. Felder stated that the idea had come to him at the Home Depot while shopping with Mrs. Dr. Felder, in the midst of an argument over window treatments for their bungalow in the Florida Keys.
Case Status: The patient has decided not to sue the hospital or Dr. Felder. Apparently, he's getting the best sleep of his life. Mrs. Turdley-Bidette switches him off promptly at 11 pm after Mad Money, and switches him back on at 6 am ready for a low-fat breakfast and another day at Bing, Perch and (as of June 1) Turdley.
Case Note: The threat of a lawsuit was revisited recently by Mr. Turdley's attorneys. It seems that Mrs. Turdley-Bidette has begun a kick-aerobics/Zoomba class and the Excedrin PMs she's taking to alleviate soreness has caused her to oversleep. Last Wednesday, she didn't turn on Mr. Turdley until after 8, causing him to be quite late for a very important meeting. The hospital has agreed, at no further cost to Mr. Turdley, to install an electrical timer (Black & Decker-for maximum compatibility) behind Mr. Turdley's other ear. This upgrade should alleviate any further complications and/or threats of litigation.
Our third and final case is one Loretta Lillie of Pembroke Pines. It seems Miss Lillie was admitted complaining of severe abdominal cramps. After questioning Miss Lillie and upon further examination, the admitting physician determined that the pain was being caused by a herniation in the duodenum area of her lower sphincter region. Miss Lillie, a rather shy young lady with impeccable manners, admitted to the attending nurse only after repeated and deliberate prodding, that she had never in her life passed gas.
She was immediately wheeled into surgery, where Dr. Felder set upon repairing said rupture. Additionally, he implanted a rather discreet 'release valve' just below the bikini line. According to Miss Lillie in depositions recorded post-surgery, the valve accepts various gauges of hoses and attachments, an assortment of which she found in her courtesy basket upon discharge.
Miss Lillie states:
"Sometimes I just go to the park by myself when I'm feeling a bit depressed or bloated, buy myself a pack of white balloons, fill them up one by one... and watch them float away..."
Case Status: Currently, Miss Lillie is suing the hospital and Dr. Felder for malpractice. Apparently, the valve has an automatic safety mechanism that makes a rather unpleasant whistling sound when released. The grounds of her lawsuit are dubious at best, only the most liberal interpretation of case law would award damages for pain and suffering on the mere fact that Miss Lillie's co-workers have taken to calling her "Tea-kettle" behind her back.
Case Notes: When last contacted, Miss Lillie was operating a profitable methane filling station, and is considering dropping her lawsuit against the hospital and Dr. Felder. She has also been named a 'Trailblazer' by President Obama's CFFFF (Council for a Fossil-Free Future) for her contributions in alternative energies.
The administration appreciates all input and will be providing further patient updates as we unravel this mess. It seems that Dr. Felder has vanished, but rest assured that we have the FBI, the Coast Guard and various Electricians' Unions hot on his trail. He will be brought back and made to answer for these horrific (albeit practical) abominations.
One final note:
A full investigation has been launched to look into the rumors of complicity amongst the nursing staff and operating room personnel in regards to the aforementioned matters. The administration cannot help but wonder how anyone could have missed Dr. Felder entering the O.R. wearing an orange canvas tool-belt, carrying voltage testers and a soldering iron. Rest assured, full inquiries will be made and security footage will be reviewed thoroughly.
Gomer P. Comstock III, MD, PHD, JD, ADD
